A Simple Bounty Hunter
by ChangerOfNames
Summary: A prophet turned Bounty Hunter sees a vision of Thanos and calls all of her contacts in, only for Thanos to turn up at her doorstep. Faced with a challenging situation, the only thing the prophet can think to do is invite him in for some tea. A good alternate title would be: If Someone Pointed Out A Different Idea. NO ENDGAME SPOILERS! I've seen it, but not all have. Be nice, okay?


Jane sighed heavily, looking through the list. Deadpool? Spider-Man? Captain America? These heroes were all up for bounty. There were others, too, though. Ozma Ozpin? Lucius Miller? Sebastian Michaelson? Chloe Dison? All dangerous criminals that had a bounty on their head for one reason or another, that no other Bounty Hunter could take in, that no other person would dare to try taking in. Now, all in New York for a summons she gave them. All seven have a bounty of above five million on their heads, and with how it's set up? She'd be getting half a mil just for one of them, let alone the three and a half mil for all seven of them.

Deadpool, AKA Wade Wilson arrived first.

"Heya, champ! What did you call me here for? Do ya have a bounty for me?" Deadpool asked, and Jane sighed, nodding.

"I do. Six more people will be here, though, so wait," Jane muttered. Those bounties were nothing on the last, most formidable opponent. She had called Juggernaut as well. Luckily for Jane, even as she was known as the best Bounty Hunter, she's also gotten called the worst, because she doesn't take Bounties she knows she won't get.

"Six? That's not the memo I got, I thought there'd be eight?" Right once Deadpool said that, Sebastian Michaelson walked out of the shadows, grinning.

"Why hello, there, Jane. Life going good after the first bribe you took from me?" He drawled in his olden British accent. Jane grimaced at "The Black Butler", shaking her head as Deadpool started teasing her over it. Ignoring Deadpool's quips, Jane focused on the demonic person before her.

"Shut it, you're a weeaboo's wet dream now, but you won't be for much longer if you continue lying like that. Now only four- three people need to arrive," Jane corrected as Spider-Man, Ozma Ozpin, and Chloe Dison arrived near-simultaneously.

Looking around, Ozpin sipped at his laced hot chocolate, rapping his cane against the head's of Deadpool and Sebastian.

"Good to see all of you. I presume we were called here for a reason beyond this nice get-together?" Ozpin asked calmly.

"Yeah, why did you call me here," One Captain America asked as he walked in, frowning at the many people he didn't know lazing around.

"We all have bounties on our heads, but we're all also fierce warriors," the last of Jane's party showed up, "I'm guessing we're all here to take out the… creature behind me," Lucius Miller sneered, walking in and rapping his cane against Ozpin's, which had come up to block the shot to his face, "and then whomever doesn't make it, she'll collect the bounties on us."

"Who?" the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man finally spoke up, only for a giant roar and the Juggernaut crashed through the wall like a scarier Kool-Aid man, "Oh," he continued, voice faint, "Him."

Jane sat back as everyone besides Deadpool and Sebastian got knocked out or ripped apart. Flinching when the typical whirr and familiar rush of jet-flame started approaching, Jane added four dollars to her bounty estimate as Iron Man crashed through the roof, saving his pseudo-kid just in time.

"Watching this all happen is fun, but that's not why I called you all here!" Jane called absent-mindedly, waiting for the Juggernaut to calm down and everyone else to recover. They all had enormous bounties on their heads, yes, but Jane wasn't strapped for cash, and she wasn't much interested in it either.

"Then why did you call us all here!" Captain America snapped, saving Lucius from a stray piece of falling brick.

"Yes, why did you call them all here, and why wasn't I invited?" Iron Man snarked.

Jane rolled her eyes and gestured at the destroyed roof, "You're paying for that, Tony. There was a million-dollar light-fixture there. Anyway, I called you all here to tell you of a threat. To both bad, and good, and all in between. I didn't call you here because I only needed one member of each faction. But, I guess you might as well stay."

Suddenly, right on time, a burning portal appeared and Stephen Strange appeared, frowning around at everything as Ozpin and Lucius waved their canes around, fixing the damages done. He helped for a moment, just enough to fix up his favorite chair, and then sat down, facing Jane.

"Half the universe is about to be destroyed, because some idiot thinks killing half of the universe will save it. Seeing as you're all rather great at dealing with things that threaten you, I figured I'd ask you to spread the word. In four to seven years, a dude named "Thanos" will come to Earth, looking for the Infinity Stones. If you don't know what those are… They're capable of giving their wielder the ability to destroy all life, everywhere, in every universe, in any of the inter-connected multiverses. Extremely powerful, and unable to be wielded by any of you without dying after use unless you have an intermediary device, like the World's Wizard does. Now, Thanos will get the stones, if you don't prepare the world. Whether it's by becoming worse villains, making stronger heroes," Jane nodded towards Juggernaut, "Or warning the world of the danger," Jane gestured at Iron Man and Captain America, "Or, even, training the world in general, teaching the world how to best destroy Titans, etcetera," Jane shrugged, "I don't really care, I'm retiring tomorrow. I'd suggest starting to create armies. Wakanda needs to be prepared as well, so, if the villains would kindly target them casually and make all of them better warriors, I've heard a rumor that they have extremely valuable metals and technologies… And let me tell you all, they aren't using them well. They're wasting their resources, and have grown complacent due to tradition."

Jane shrugged once more, yawning as horror etched the faces of everyone in the room. She was more commonly known as a Prophet, one who's never told a lie. It was her power, and also why she was such a good Bounty Hunter. The fact that she's warning them of the incoming danger and seems as worried as any of them have ever seen her, even if being a bit blasé still, made it clear that this was something serious.

"How big of a profit is Wakanda?" Lucius asked.

"Uh, if I recall it's the richest country in the world, and that's without selling the priceless metals they have in store… As well as the fact it's never been found as of yet…" Jane shook her head, "I won't tell you where it is, the name should be enough of an indicator of the general area, but I'd suggest keeping people alive from now on. Anyone and everyone who has potential to help, at least."

Jane watched as the villains realized her loophole she gave them. They could do whatever to anyone, as long as the people they tortured or experimented on were trained into good fighters that would be able to help and not turned into sex dolls or amusing pets.

The heroes looked clueless.

"And why was I called here, then?" Sebastian, Chloe, and Deadpool asked.

"Sebastian, your peoples are in danger as well. Gather up all the contacts you have and tell them to prepare, tell them to spread the word. The world is in danger, gather up your armies, everyone, hero and villain alike, will need to become allies for this war. Same goes for you, Chloe."

"And me?"

"You're Deadpool, and invincible, but those you love and care about aren't. Any and all contacts, the contacts of your contacts, build up armies… Use your 4th wall powers… Stuff like that. Stephen will use his world-breaking powers as well."

"I will?"

"Don't be an ass, the world's in danger, Strange."

"Yeah, don't be an ass, you already have a fine one," Deadpool pitched in happily.

Break

Jane sighed wearily, rubbing her eyes as she thought over the meeting she had with the secret leaders of the world and any other person she thought would be a help. It had been six years, and Thanos was currently sitting in her living room drinking tea.

"I know you have the stone," He muttered, taking a cookie from the tray.

"Which one? I have many stones, you'll have to be more specific."

"The space stone."

"Ah. Well, I _did_, but it got stolen."

"By who?"

Jane thought this was a rather tame conversation, if a bit awkward. Thanos and her were sitting in her living room while his lackeys searched the place.

"Well, I had given it to Juggernaut, but he's a big dude, so I made it into a necklace because a watch wouldn't fit him… I believe it's been stolen sixty times by different people who know what it is. I don't know if he has it now, though… I could call and ask?"

"Yes, please do. Put it on speaker."

Jane sat there awkwardly as the phone rang, "Uh, so you know how phones work, then?" At his look she hurried to explain, "Well, you know, Earth tech is quite a bit behind space tech."

"Hi?" Juggernaut grunted over the phone.

"Hello. Do you still have the Space Stone?"

"No, Deadpool stole it, but when I went after him he said Lucius took it and sold it to Sebastian, who got it stolen by uh… Wakanda, I think," Juggernaut coughed, "I haven't been able to get through Wakanda's barriers since year one of Lucius, so I'm pretty sure they still have it."

"Ah. Yeah, Thanos wanted to know where it was, so it's in Wakanda?"

"Mm. Bye." He hung up, and Jane shrugged when Thanos sent her an odd look that she didn't exactly understand.

"Well, thank you for being so helpful. I believe this is the most cooperative anyone has been when they've once carried a stone."

"I'm retired, actually. It's not my job to help save the world, only my job to watch it. So, why do you want them?"

"To destroy half the universe."

"Ah. Any particular reason why?"

"Life is running out because there's too many people… Soon, if it continues on like this, your entire world will starve and die like mine did."

"... Why don't you double all food, then? Quadruple the stuff that commonly eaten animals eat, and double any other edible plant and animal. That would save all life… Or, even better, just make an infinite food source? I mean, with the power to destroy the universe, surely you have the power to create stuff too, right?"

"An… Infinite food source?"

"Yeah. You know, like… Just make a box, put a uh, double cheeseburger in it, and make it so that whenever a cheeseburger is taken out, a new one appears or something. And make a bucket full of clean drinkable water and make it so that it's always at a certain level… And then just like… Duplicate the boxes and buckets and give them out to everyone. No more food and water issues, yeah?"

"A double cheeseburger?"

"It's a food… You could also just put like, kale in it or something. Lettuce. Bread. Tomato Soup cans… Twinkies… Anything edible that doesn't kill anyone allergic, you know? Plus, I mean, diseases, allergies, and other creatures are the main killing point here on Earth. We have this thing, where we help preserve life and animals so that they never run out or go extinct. It doesn't always _work_, but we have enough fertile soil and over-breedable creatures that all life on Earth will last beyond just us humans, too… And some places even have breeding caps, so we don't overpopulate the already overpopulated world and stuff," Jane explains to the captive audience of Thanos and his men.

"I didn't think of that. An infinite source of edible food and drink, but in a box and a bottle, and given to everyone? I won't have to kill anymore than I have already had to… I can retire with even less sorrow at what had to be done…"

Jane shrugged, nodding, "Well, yeah. I mean, as long as you make it all-including of the nutritions that each species needs… Like, you wouldn't give a robin a diet of meat-only, you'd give it a balanced diet of seeds, worms, and fruit or something. It might take a few more moments of wearing the glove, just to, you know, figure out how to exactly give everyone a balanced meal that encompassed their every dietary need, but it'd work, right?"

Thanos thought about it, before nodding and walking off.

Break

"Y-you should've gone for the head," Thanos ground out, feeling the pain of the axe imbedded into his chest. Thor cried out as Thanos snapped his fingers. A heavy weight was put upon his shoulders, and he looked back to see a simple backpack like the mini-humans that went to school wore. Looking around, he felt confused as Thanos' men retreated, all wearing similar packs upon their back. Glancing around, everyone had them, human, monster, animal.

Thor slowly slid the pack off of his shoulders, warily looking inside, only to be surprised at the lunchbox, water bottle, and sticky note that was inside.

"May no one ever starve or die from dehydration again, Thanos," Thor spoke aloud. He opened the box, only to see a meal that Piper once cooked for all of the Avengers, saying it was the most energy-inclusive and mineral-full meal she and JARVIS could come up with for some… 'diet' she was trying out. Slowly closing the box, he glared at the water bottle. Feeling spiteful, he ripped it open and started pouring it out.

Five minutes later, he frowned, standing in a wet puddle. The water wasn't running out. It was infinite, he assumed.

Break

"Wait! Take it, just keep him alive," Doctor Strange grunted, feeling a strange sense of loss even as he knew the one solution he had found in the years he meditated over it was going exactly as it should.

Only seconds later everyone suddenly gained backpacks. Confused, Strange watched as Peter Parker opened it and pull out a light purple sticky note.

"May no one ever starve or die of dehydration again, Thanos. Hey! He packed us a lunch! Cool, I'm starving!" And before anyone could stop him, he plopped down and started eating, taking long sips of his water bottle in-between, "Ah, all thish exershize 'as gotten mm umgry!" He said, mouth full of food. Doctor Strange smirked as Tony Stark started scolding him over proper food manners, and how the food could be poisoned.

"I don't think it is," He input, and Tony turned to glare at him.

"What do you mean? He wanted to kill half the universe, and now _suddenly _he doesn't?" Tony snapped.

"The food hasn't run out yet, I believe he found another way to save everyone…" Strange pointed out. He had checked quadrillions of possibilities, yet hadn't seen this in any of his searches.

"He still killed Gamora! We have to go after him!" Quill dictated.

"U-um, I was actually on a school trip, so if you wanna go out and go after the big purple man you can, I need to get back before people notice I'm missing…" Peter Parker claimed, and Tony shifted.

"Yeah, and I promised my wife I'd stay very much alive, so going after the person with all of the infinity stones isn't on my agenda either."

"I'm here to protect Earth, not go on some quest for vengeance," Strange added.

Quill, sputtering, was talked down by his teammates, and they all went their separate ways. Well, Strange portaled the ones going to Earth with him, leaving the rest there.

"W-wait! You're just going to leave us here!? Come on! At least do that portal thing to get us to our ship!" Quill yelled at thin air, before huffing.

When he arrived home, he read the reports and saw that as soon as the invasion started entire _armies _had appeared, helping out Wakanda when they got attacked as well as helping out every other area in the world, defending against stray ships and the monsters that came off of them. Strange shook his head at the work of one warning. Maybe it had caused a reaction he hadn't anticipated?

A few years ago:

"_Hey, Jane! This thing is from the Tesseract, and you said it was one of the stones that I was warned about? … Yeah, I think the Juggernaut would be able to protect it, as long as it was with some of my tech… A necklace? Sure, I can do that… Here, then, I don't want SHIELD getting it after what you told me of them…"_

**Fin.**

This is just something I thought up to pass the time, figured I'd share it with you all. It's not meant to be taken seriously, I didn't really try keeping them in character _too _much, and in general it was just a few-hour fic that I started maybe four hours ago, max. I only started concentrating on finishing it ehhh about an hour ago. Soooo, whaddya think? Fun idea? Terrible one? Favorite part? Etcetera etcetera.


End file.
